Why Wed?

Young Adults Talk About Sex, Love and First Unions

A Focus Group Report

Barbara Dafoe Whitehead
David Popenoe

Introduction

As part of its the Next Generation Series, the National Marriage Project has inaugurated a program of focus group research among young, never-married adults.

Focus group research is qualitative. Its findings are not statistically significant and should not be used as the basis of population-based generalization. However, focus group research is useful in identifying issues and concerns that might not surface in large-scale quantitative surveys. This qualitative approach also is valuable in capturing the language of everyday life – its images, metaphors, humor, common sense and illogic. Everyday language can provide clues and insights into how people order their experience and construct their social and moral universes. Finally, the focus group discussions allow for deeper probing and questioning. In a focus group, we can encourage people to explain, elaborate, clarify, or confront contradictions in their own reasoning.

The first round of focus group discussions was held in Teaneck, New Jersey on July 14, 1998. We convened two groups, one consisting of 12 women and a second consisting of 12 men. We selected participants who had the following characteristics: never-married adults in their twenties who did not hold four-year college degrees and who were living in northern New Jersey at the time of the study.

Objectives of the Study

The inquiry had four main objectives:

· To explore attitudes about first union formation (both cohabitation and marriage) among a crucial but neglected population of young adults. Social science research on young adults’ attitudes toward relationships and marriage tends to focus on college students or on young adults who hold four-year college degrees. For academic researchers, college students are a captive audience and thus easy to study. Also, because college-educated young people are regarded as economic and social trendsetters, market researchers, financial service institutions and advertisers of upscale products pay close attention to their attitudes and behavior.

Yet this research bias ignores the majority of young adults. More than 70 percent of young adults, 25-29, do not hold four-year college degrees. Like their college-educated peers, these noncollege young adults are likely to form cohabiting or marital unions during their twenties, but we know very little about their thinking about these first unions.

Compared to college students, these young adults used to hold more traditional views of sex, marriage and family. For example, in his 1974 study of American youth, Daniel Yankelovich reported that noncollege women were more likely than their college peers to believe that "casual premarital sex relations are morally wrong" (41% to 29%); that "being a good provider is a very important quality in a man" (79% vs. 56%); and that "having children is a very important value"(50% vs. 36%). [i] We wanted to find out whether this gap still exists. How, if at all, do the attitudes of noncollege adults differ from their college peers?

· To explore attitudes about marriage as an economic partnership. Marriage remains a vitally important economic institution and a source of economic advantage. Through marriage, spouses pool both economic and noneconomic resources and draw upon the resources of the kinship group created through marriage. Married couples are able to achieve economies of scale, role flexibility and role specialization. The marital partnership also encourages economic habits and practices that lead to the creation of assets and wealth.

Marriage can also provide a buffer against severe economic disruptions and disasters. Married couples who fall into poverty are able to get out of poverty faster than single mothers. Single mothers are eight times as likely as married couples to live in poverty for two years or longer.

Marriage is also a crucial factor in establishing economic viability. [ii] Even as the individual earnings of high school graduates have been declining, the family income advantages of marriage have enabled those high school graduates who marry to offset much of the dollar impact of the earnings decline. Thus, as a high school education has lost value as an economic asset, marriage has gained value. The median family income of a couple headed by a high school graduate is about $46,000 a year and puts this couple into the upper half of the family income distribution (and even higher in the household income distribution.) In New Jersey, in 1996, the median income of high school couples was $55,200. [iii] And for couples with two-year college degrees or better, marriage is the source of a new degree of further upward economic mobility.

Given the crucial economic importance of marriage to noncollege youth, we wanted to learn more about the ideas and assumptions governing their thinking about cohabitation and marriage as an economic partnership. In particular, we wanted to explore how fully economic calculations and considerations figured in their reasoning. Do young noncollege adults offer economic rationales for living together or for marrying? What distinctions, if any, do they draw between the economic partnership of cohabitation and that of marriage? Do they envision problems or conflict arising out of money matters in marriage? What are their economic dreams and ambitions for the future and how does marriage figure in their thinking?

· To explore attitudes on cohabitation. Increasingly, cohabitation is replacing marriage as the first "living together" experience of younger Americans. Only 36 percent of women born between 1963 and 1974 say marriage was their first living together partnership compared to 93 percent of women born between 1933 and 1942. [iv] Younger adults have generally positive views of cohabitation. A majority of men and women, ages 18-29, agree with the statement "it’s a good idea for a couple who intend to get married to live together first." [v] As these attitudes suggest, many never-married young adults see cohabitation as a trial marriage. Others may cohabit as a way of avoiding marriage but achieving some of its benefits.

We wanted to probe the reasoning behind these trends. Do young people expect to cohabit before marriage? What do they see as the differences between cohabitation and marriage? Do young men and women see cohabitation as "trial marriage" or as a matter of sexual and domestic convenience? What do they think are the advantages and disadvantages of cohabitation? If they have had a "living together union," why did it break up? Would they try it again? Do men and women share similar views on cohabitation or are there significant gender differences?

· To gain a better understanding of gender differences in attitudes and expectations about marriage. Some scholars attribute the instability in marriage to changing gender roles. As the traditional domestic division of labor of male breadwinner/female homemaker gives way to a more flexible and shared division of work, some couples may have trouble negotiating these new marital roles. Such difficulties may lead to tensions, dissatisfaction, and conflict in marriage and may contribute to divorce.

We wanted to examine young adults’ ideas and expectations about marital roles. Specifically, how did men and women respectively think about the division of paid work and household work in their future marriages? How did they think their marriages might change when they had children? Did men expect their wives to work after the birth of a child or did they want them to stay at home? Did women want to stay home or go back to work? Were men willing to be the stay-at-home parent? How prevalent was the idea that parents of young children should have a "fifty-fifty" division of breadwinning and caregiving activities?

More broadly, we wanted to get a sense of how knowledgeable young adults were about the changes that marriage brings to a couple’s relationship. How did their ideas about marriage square with social scientific evidence on marital failure and success? How "realistic" were they about the responsibilities and compromises of marriage? Simply put, what was their Marriage I.Q.?

The Study Guide

We developed a discussion outline to explore these four areas. (Appendix 3: The Study Guide) Our overarching purpose was to probe and explore the reasoning behind attitudes and to encourage the group to confront inconsistencies and contradictions in their opinions, attitudes, and beliefs.

The outline was organized around a series of questions, but the flow of the discussion governed the sequence and selection of questions. Thus, some questions were improvised on the spot, others modified, others dropped or deferred to a later point in the discussion. We will continue to revise and refine the Study Guide throughout our inquiry.

Characteristics and Recruitment of Participants

The National Marriage Project commissioned Technical Analysis, a field research company in Teaneck, New Jersey, to recruit 8-12 men and 8-12 women for male-only and female-only focus groups. The company contacted prospective participants by telephone, using random digit dialing in the 973 and 201 area codes. They conducted a brief screening interview over the phone and invited individuals who fit the selection criteria to attend one of the two sessions. (Appendix 1: The Telephone Screening Questionnaire) Participants received a $50 honorarium.

The focus group discussions were held at Technical Analysis, Oakdene Avenue, Teaneck, New Jersey on the evening of July 14, 1998. The women’s group met at 6:00 pm and the men’s group at 8:00 pm. Barbara Whitehead moderated the women’s discussion and David Popenoe moderated the men’s discussion. The discussions were videotaped.

Participants were asked to fill out a brief questionnaire when they arrived. (Appendix 2: The Self-Administered Questionnaire: Sample and Tabulations)

Characteristics of Participants

The telephone screening was designed to select men and women with the following common characteristics:

· Reside in Northern New Jersey

· Never married

· No children

· Not current students or graduates of four-year colleges v [vi]

Secondary group characteristics included:

· Half male and half female

· Ages between 20-30

· Religiously, ethnically, racially mixed

· Incomes ranging from $10,000 – $ 35,000

· Majority currently live with parents

· Majority work full-time

· Majority say they are currently "in serious relationships"

Characteristics of women. The majority of women were in their early to mid-twenties, currently living with parents and employed full-time. Five had high school diplomas; five had finished high school and had some college or additional education/training. Most were employed in service sector jobs and half reported incomes in the $21-30,000 range. More than half describe themselves as religious. The most commonly cited denomination was Catholic.

Characteristics of Men. Half of the men were ages 20-25 and half were ages 26-30. Most had high school diplomas and worked full-time in technical, sales and service jobs. Of the ten reporting incomes between $10-30,000, half fell into the range from $10-20,000 and half from $21-30,000. Half said they were religious, and half identified Catholic as their religious denomination. The majority were currently living with their parents.

(Appendix 4: Characteristics of female and male participants)

Observations on the Groups

The men and women’s groups were closely matched in education, income, religion, current living arrangements, and current romantic situations. Women were slightly younger than the men and reported somewhat higher levels of educational attainment. Men and women’s jobs were concentrated in the sales and service sector, but three men held traditional blue collar jobs. Within the sales and service sector, men tended to work in technical areas—computers or video sales and services—while the women tended to be clustered in traditionally female service jobs, such as receptionist, administrative assistant, and daycare worker. Women were slightly more likely than men to say they are "getting by" rather than "getting ahead" economically.

We were surprised by the high number of young adults living with parents. This may be due to the combination of available employment and scarce affordable housing in northern New Jersey. These young men and women are likely to find work close to their families but they may not find affordable rents – thus increasing the attractiveness of living with parents. Also, most of these men and women reported living in intact families at age 15, and perhaps their parents’ marital stability increased the likelihood that they would have the option of returning home.

Key Findings

Getting set financially. For these young adults, the most immediate and pressing priority is "getting set" financially. Both men and women place the highest priority on getting ahead in work and getting more education. The women are especially committed to furthering their education. Almost all of the women say that they had plans to "finish school" or to obtain another educational credential in the next few years. One woman who works in a travel agency by day is putting in nights as a volunteer EMT to earn certification as an emergency dispatcher. Another is getting training for a certificate as a fitness instructor. Another plans to finish nursing school. Although a couple of women were going to school and working, most plan to get more schooling but are currently working full-time. Thus, their educational plans are largely prospective.

Compared to the women, the men were slightly more likely to say they were "getting ahead" rather than "getting by." Compared to the women, they tend to see on-the-job performance, promotion, and mobility as more important than additional education in getting set financially. One of the young men who said he was "getting ahead" was excited by a promotion that gave him management responsibilities. At the same time, two of the men in low-skilled jobs seemed to have little optimism or enthusiasm about work whereas none of the women displayed such a low degree of enthusiasm.

Both men and women had experienced work disruptions caused by unemployment, lay-offs, or job changes.

Personal independence an important shared value. These twentysomething young men and women place an extremely high value on individual autonomy and the freedom to do what they please. They believe it is important to "be your own person" and "to do your own thing." There was strong consensus among the women that they had to be able to take care of themselves financially. "Men learn to hate you if you try to live off them," one woman said. However, several of the women said that they relied on their parents to help them out financially, and most of these young people are currently living with parents. Interestingly, some women said that you had greater freedom living with your parents than living on your own or with a partner. Apparently, this form of dependence on parents is not incompatible with notions of personal independence.

Both men and women say that one of the main disadvantages of marriage is a loss of freedom and privacy. Some believe the loss of privacy (but not freedom) is also a disadvantage of cohabitation.

Most women equate personal independence not only with "being able to take care of yourself financially" but also with "keeping your own money." Both men and women, but women especially, think it is a bad idea to pool all income into a single "couples" account. "Your money is your money," one person said. Another said that one economic advantage of marriage is that you can "split living expenses."

The group consensus was that cohabiting couples should have separate accounts and split expenses like roommates. Married couples should establish accounts labeled "yours, mine, and ours." Several women expressed the view that you had to be able to take care of yourself financially because of the likelihood of divorce or the possibility of the untimely death of a spouse.

Postponing marriage: the nest and nestegg come first. Although most of the men and women say they are currently in serious relationships, they tend to see marriage as an event that should be postponed until they are financially prepared. Some said that money problems could wreck marriages, so you had to be secure about your job and finances. These young people also believe that they have to take time to "work on yourself and your own happiness." Postponing marriage gives you time to grow up, experience life, and "be happy with yourself."

Being economically ready for marriage is especially important to men. One young man thought that most women were less concerned with the financial responsibilities of marriage than most men. "Women don’t think beyond the wedding, while men have to plan for providing for the family."

However, women do evaluate men according to their economic fitness. One woman said that "college-bound" men with clear career plans were much better marriage bets than guys who just left school and hung out in clubs. Moreover, women associate marriage readiness with achieving certain economic goals. They place a high priority on owning a home in a good neighborhood as an important personal goal, and some suggested that this goal should be reached before marriage. Most think home ownership should precede having children. We asked the groups to identify the income prerequisites for a couple who planned to have children. The women seemed to agree that $75,000 was a good annual family income for married couples with children.

Four women and only two men indicated that they saw marriage as a way to improve their economic wellbeing. As far we can tell, there is little support for the idea that you should marry and then struggle together to build a nest and nestegg. The nest and nestegg should come before marriage.

Several young women said they would consider having a child on their own if they reached their thirties and had not found a suitable partner. They did not seem to be aware of the economic consequences of having a child solo. Asked if they would have to lower their expectations of economic security (a house and $75,000 in income), they evaded but suggested that they would turn to their parents for help. "They’ll be there for me," one woman said.

We probed. What about raising a child without a father? Isn’t that a consideration for women who choose to have children "on their own"? They agreed that a father was important but not always possible. "Lesbians and divorced mothers raise children on their own," one woman pointed out. "Some fathers die," another said.

Cohabitation: "finding out the truth" about a prospective partner. Although only one woman and one man were currently cohabiting, four women and two men indicated that they had previously cohabited.

Both men and women believed that living together was a way of "finding out the truth" about a partner. This seemed to mean having greater opportunities to observe a partner’s daily habits and routines and to see him/her in the cold light of morning. Several people also suggested that cohabitation involved some self-testing as well. By cohabiting, you can find out how mature and responsible you are.

Another important advantage of cohabitation was economic. Living together was a good way to improve your standard of living and "cut expenses in half." It is noteworthy that the language used to describe the economies of scale in both cohabiting and marital unions had to do with splitting rather than pooling. Thus, people talked of "cutting expenses in half" or "splitting expenses" rather than sharing or combining resources. This is consistent with notions of "keeping and spending your own money."

A few men mentioned another advantage: cohabiting relationships are easier to get out of than marriage. However, this was not a dominant theme.

Women vehemently reject the idea that cohabitation is an effective way to coax a reluctant boyfriend into marriage. Rather, they see cohabitation as an exploratory and fact-finding enterprise. This fact-finding investigation can be short-term; all necessary evidence can be gathered in a matter of months. Although at least two women had had cohabiting relationships that lasted more than a year, the group consensus was that long-term cohabitation might benefit men more than women. As one woman said: "Guys want to have their cake and eat it too."

Although the men also see cohabitation as a way to find out the truth about a partner, they believe cohabitation is as satisfactory as marriage. Several said they were perfectly content to live together with their girlfriend indefinitely. "I’m not going to jump off a bridge if I’m not married." They seemed to think that the birth of a child was the strongest reason to marry. "Get married for kids; otherwise you don’t have to."

Asked about the disadvantages of cohabitation, both men and women cited parental disapproval; religious values; and the fact that it "takes away the excitement of marriage."

Thinking about marriage. Both men and women say they plan to marry and they look forward to marriage. Women rank it higher on their list of personal goals than do men. They see marriage as the source of emotional intimacy ("always having a date;" "permanent sleepover with best friend") and stability in your personal life. Women also cited "having children" as one of the main advantages of marriage.

These young women say marriages fail because people are "less willing to work at marriage," seek individual happiness at the expense of the couple’s relationship, are more materialistic than parents’ generation, and are less willing to compromise. The men think marriages fail because there is less religious pressure, more stress on working parents, more job insecurity – "when the money stops, problems start" – promiscuity, marrying too young, confusing love and lust, and "bad cultural methods." Overall, men emphasize economic pressures and sexual infidelity as factors in marital failure (one man claimed that married men are "fair game" for unmarried women these days) whereas women focus on problems in the relationship ("thinking too much of yourself," "failing to compromise.")

Both men and women believe that women are more "mature" and ready for marriage than men. For the men, this idea is closely linked to their sense of responsibility for providing for a family. These young men did not feel that they were financially prepared for marriage. The idea of being ready to provide was perhaps the strongest underlying theme in men’s attitudes about marriage. The women also talked about finding a mate who was economically fit, and they themselves were committed to becoming "economically independent" before they married. But the shared assumption was that men had to worry more and take more responsibility for providing than did the women. This became especially clear when women talked about responsibilities after children arrived.

When asked about the benefits of marriage, men and women exhibit traditional gender differences. Women say companionship and men say sex. (In generating a list of benefits, none of the women mentioned sex until we asked why it was not on the list. Then one woman said "I was thinking it!" So we added it to the list.) Another woman recited the old saying, "Women give sex to get love and men give love to get sex," to general head-nodding agreement around the table. The men also mentioned "happiness," peace of mind, and "no more microwave dinners" as benefits of marriage. They ranked emotional security much lower than did the women.

Both men and women agree that a good marriage depends on honesty, trust, and respect. Common values, similar religious and educational backgrounds, shared ideas about money, career and children were not cited as important to good marriage. Apparently, these young people saw the key qualities in a good marriage as individual characteristics (or virtues) and not closely related to social characteristics such as family, education or religious background. This may explain why these young adults see cohabitation as a means of finding out the truth about a prospective mate. As they see it, these characterological traits can only be revealed in a partner’s behavior in private domestic life. A couple of participants seemed to think that dating contributed to idealized conceptions of a mate whereas a living together relationship gave you a more realistic view of the mate’s habits and qualities.

Obstacles to marriage: the difficulties of finding and keeping a loving partner. Young adults are optimistic about themselves and their future marriage prospects. Yet we detected a darker undercurrent in these discussions, especially among the women. Many have experienced past disappointments and betrayals in their romantic relationships with men.

If women used to assume that most men were decent but there were a few bad apples, these young women seemed to think the reverse: most men are bad apples but there are a few decent men "out there." To date, these women seemed to have more direct personal experience with the bad apples.

Two women had had long-term cohabiting relationships that had broken up. One learned that her live-in boyfriend was marrying someone else two days before the wedding. One had run off with an older man right after high school graduation: "a big mistake. I put my parents through hell." The women also shared stories of friends who had been beaten up by boyfriends. We asked the young women to choose—as best representing their views—one of the two following statements "The biggest problem facing people in their twenties today is finding and keeping a loving partner" or "The biggest problem facing people in their twenties today is getting ahead financially and achieving economic independence." A majority agreed with the statement that the biggest problem was finding and keeping a loving partner. One woman elaborated: It’s not the finding but the keeping that is hard.

The history of disappointments with men may explain why half said they agreed or somewhat agreed with the statement that "I would consider having a child on my own if I could not find a suitable husband."

Summary

These 24 noncollege men and women displayed a fascinating blend of traditional and nontraditional attitudes toward marriage and family. On the one hand, they had fairly traditional ideas about spousal and parental roles. Married men should be the primary provider; married women should be the primary caregiver once children came along. On the other hand, they held nontraditional views about sex, cohabitation, and unwed childbearing. Most did not see sex in the larger context of marriage. Having an intimate sexual relationship was almost entirely disconnected from the expectation, promise, or consummation of marriage. For that reason, premarital sex was something of a misnomer. Sex was just part of the social landscape for twentysomething adults. Unlike noncollege people in the 1970s, these men and women seemed to accept and generally approve of cohabitation. Most regarded cohabitation as a way to test compatibility, detect character strengths and weaknesses and achieve certain household economies. The women tended to favor short-term cohabitation while the men were more accepting of living together indefinitely. Finally, half of the young women said they would consider having a child "on their own" if a suitable husband was not found. This represents a dramatic departure from the attitudes of noncollege young people a generation ago.

Similarly, views of marriage blended traditional and nontraditional attitudes.

We found no evidence that the desire for life-long marriage was weakening or that young adults had given up on marriage. All the women and almost all of the men expected to marry and stay in their first marriages. Views on the benefits of marriage followed traditional gender lines. Women wanted emotional intimacy and a sense of personal security and stability ("a permanent sleepover with a best friend.") Men wanted regular sexual access and domestic services ("no more microwave dinners.") Although both men and women saw children as part of marriage, they thought about marriage primarily as a couples relationship, at least at this stage in their lives.

The Economic Partnership of Marriage

These men and women did not think of marriage as a way to pool resources. Rather, marriage was a union formed between two individuals who could "take care of themselves." Or to put it another way, marriage was an economic partnership in the sense that each partner had achieved a certain acceptable level of education and/or economic self-sufficiency before marrying. For this reason, young people thought that it was necessary to postpone marriage until they had gained further education or job security.

Men and the terrifying responsibility of providing. One prominent economic theme was intertwined with gender roles. Men feel pressures to provide, and women are concerned with men’s "fitness" as providers. Thus, it is not surprising that young men’s confidence in the ability to provide is closely tied to their readiness to marry. None seemed eager or ready to marry anytime soon.

Women say they are committed to working and providing until children come along. Then they plan to stay at home full-time or cut back to part-time work until the children are in school. When asked how they will handle the loss of family income (will your husband take an extra job?, will you go into debt?, will you make other sacrifices?), the women did not seem to have a clear idea or answer. One commented: "This may sound terrible but I would go to my parents before I would go into debt."

Shared antipathy to full-time daycare. If there was one area of common agreement among these noncollege youth, it was that mothers should stay at home with infants and preschool children. Even the most nontraditional of the young women believed that you shouldn’t trust your baby to a daycare center. Interestingly, a young woman in the group who worked in a daycare center did not contribute a single word to the discussion until this issue arose. Then she became animated and opinionated about the risks of leaving infants in full-time daycare. A couple of the men said that they would stay home to care for child if their wife could support family on her income, though the men who favored the stay-at-home dad arrangement tended to be less well-educated and employed.

Themes for Further Exploration

How well prepared for marriage are these 24 young men and women? That question cannot be answered conclusively. Many, if not most, of these young people seemed to be dealing with struggles and issues of adolescence, and marriage remains a highly abstract and remote concern. Certainly no one was on the threshold of marriage, and the men especially seemed to indicate that they were not ready for marriage. At the same time, these young adults were not completely inexperienced in intimate relationships. Although we did not ask for a show of hands, most seemed to have had sex or to approve of sex outside of marriage. Six individuals had cohabited in the past and two were currently in "living together" relationships. And the majority said they were currently "in serious relationships."

Perhaps the better question is: How well do current intimate experiences prepare these young people for marriage? Does postponing marriage but not sex or cohabitation bode well or ill for future marital success?

Postponing marriage may contribute to stronger marriages in some respects. The social science evidence indicates that people who marry at very young ages are more likely to divorce than couples who marry in their mid to late twenties. Moreover, money problems can be a source of conflict in marriage, so the decision to postpone marriage until one is more economically secure may also promote stable marriages.

However, we detected three common patterns of thinking and behavior that may work against strong and lasting marriages.

One is the prolonged period of sexually active singlehood before first marriage. As the result of earlier age at first sexual intercourse and later age of first marriage, young men and women today are spending a much longer time as sexually active singles than in the past. Teenage girls are sexually active for seven years on average before marriage. [vii] The time between first intercourse and first marriage is even longer for African-American youth — 12 years for women and 19 years for men. [viii] As a consequence, many young people, including those in our groups, do not view sex in the larger context of marriage. For them, sex is just sex. It is not connected to the expectation or promise, much less the consummation, of marriage. One of the consequences of a prolonged sexually active singlehood is that young men and women are likely to enter relationships in their twenties with the baggage of adolescent disappointments, jealousies and betrayals, not to mention the misery of an occasional sexually transmitted infection. They may find it more difficult to trust a partner or to fully invest in a relationship. We saw evidence of such mistrust among some in the group. When trust is difficult, so is commitment.

Secondly, postponing marriage increases the likelihood of cohabitation. The social science evidence indicates that cohabiting, and especially a series of cohabiting partnerships, may foster habits and dispositions that undermine marital commitment. [ix]

Thirdly, the high degree of importance attached to personal independence within marriage may not promote strong marriages. Although individual independence and self-confidence is not incompatible with successful marriage, some of these young adults seemed to believe that you can’t trust anyone but yourself. This idea may undermine commitment and dedication to marriage. However, it is important not to overstate this as a problem. Most of these men and women are in their twenties and not yet living independently. Their fierce desire for independence may simply reflect the fact that they have not yet made the transition out of adolescence.

Finally and most problematically, there is evidence of the weakening connection between motherhood and marriage.

All the women in our group said that they planned to become mothers. Indeed, they seemed to express greater interest and to have more definite ideas about their future lives as mothers than about their future lives as wives. Motherhood seemed to hold more romantic attraction than marriage.

The women split over the following question: " Although it might not be the ideal option, I would consider having a child on my own if I reached my mid-thirties and I had not found the right man to marry." Half "strongly agreed" or "somewhat agreed" and the other half "strongly disagreed." Overall, therefore, opinion was stronger against "having a child on my own" than in favor. It is nevertheless striking that half of these young women indicated support for the statement.

Generally speaking, these young women seem to trust in the permanence of two family bonds: the mother-child bond; and the parent-daughter bond. They are less confident of the permanence of the spousal bond, at least at this stage in their lives. The evidence for this is twofold: first, some women say they may have children even if they cannot be married; and second, most of the women expect to take care of themselves economically but also look to their parents as a safety net. This may simply reflect their current circumstances as single working women living with parents, but it also may suggest a more significant realignment in the responsibilities of providing for a family. It may be that women are moving toward a system of emotional and financial support based on blood ties rather than marital bonds. It is parents and kids, and not husbands, that can be counted on.

Notes

i Daniel Yankelovich. The New Morality: A Profile of American Youth in the 70’s (New York: McGraw Hill, 1974), 101.

ii There is a tendency in the public debate to overestimate the economic difficulties facing American families because many observers, particularly journalists and policymakers, fail to distinguish between individual earnings and family income. Much of the news about individual earnings is discouraging. The earnings of those with high school diploma or less are indeed lower than they were twenty-five years ago. Since nearly half of the working age population has no formal education beyond high school, the impact of this drop in earnings has been broad. Thus, for a near majority of earners, the apparent pattern has been one of downward mobility. However, what has happened to family incomes during the same period does not simply mirror what has happened to individual earnings, as many assume. In fact, there are two significant differences between individual earnings and family income. One is the difference between earnings and income. Earnings are only one form of income. Other forms include entitlement payments, alimony, child support, lottery windfalls, gifts and so on. Generally speaking, for both individuals and families, income tends to be higher than earnings.

The other difference and one that is more decisive in quantitative terms is the difference between individuals and families, particularly if the family includes a married couple and thus two potential adult earners rather than one. If you look at what has happened to family incomes since the 1970s, what you see, on balance, is a pattern of upward mobility. The median income of married couple families today is higher than it was in the 1970s. This reality is obscured by what has become the definitive statistic in the national debate on income inequality. That statistic is the median income of all families, whether single parent or two-parent families. There is no question that the increase in the median income of families has increased only slightly since the l970s. However, the increase in the median income of two-parent families has been substantially greater. The income history of single-parent families has depressed the statistic of median family income. The crucial point is that marriage offsets the downward trend in individual earnings.

iii U. S. Bureau of the Census. 1998. Current Population Statistics: March,1997.

iv Robert T. Michael et. al., Sex in America: A Definitive Survey (New York: Little Brown & Company, 1994), 97.

v J. G Bachman, L. D. Johnston and P. M. O’Malley. 1997. Monitoring the Future: Questionnaire Responses from the Nation’s High School Seniors, 1995. Ann Arbor, MI: Survey Resource Center at the University of Michigan.

vi One woman participant listed her education in the self-administered questionnaire as "BS/MS in physical therapy." Apparently, she slipped through the screening interview.

vii The National Campaign To Prevent Teen Pregnancy, Whatever Happened To Childhood: The Problem of Teen Preººgnancy in the United States. (Washington, D.C.: The National Campaign To Prevent Teen Pregnancy, 1997), 6.

viii National Campaign, Whatever Happened To Childhood, 6.

ix For a review of the recent social science research on cohabitation, see David Popenoe and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, Should We Live Together?: What Young Adults Need To Know About Cohabitation Before Marriage: A Comprehensive Review of Recent Research (New Brunswick, N.J.: The National Marriage Project, 1998).

Why Wed?

Young Adults Talk About Sex, Love and First Unions

A Focus Group Report

APPENDICES

Appendices

1. Telephone Screening Questionnaire

Hello, my name is _________. I am calling from Technical Analysis in Teaneck. We are conducting a brief survey on single people and their lifestyles. May I ask you a few questions about yourself?

Male or female?

Are you currently married or single? IF MARRIED, TERMINATE. IF SINGLE, GO TO NEXT.

Have you ever been married? IF YES, TERMINATE. IF NO, GO TO NEXT.

Do you have children? IF YES, TERMINATE. IF NO, GO TO NEXT.

Into which of the following age categories do you put yourself?

Under 20 IF YES, TERMINATE

20-25 IF YES, GO TO NEXT

26-30 IF YES, GO TO NEXT

Over 30 IF YES, TERMINATE

Are you a college graduate with a four-year degree? IF YES, TERMINATE. IF NO, GO TO NEXT.

Into which of the following income categories do you put yourself?

Under $10,000 IF YES, TERMINATE

10-20,000 IF YES, GO TO NEXT

21-30,000 IF YES, GO TO NEXT

31,000-35,000 IF YES, GO TO NEXT

Over $35,000 IF YES, TERMINATE

Into which of the following ethnic categories do you put yourself? (MINIMUM OF TWO NON-WHITES PER GROUP)

White

African-American

Asian-American

Hispanic

Other

Which best describes your current work life?

Unemployed

Work full-time

Work part-time

Go to school full-time

Work part-time/school part-time

Work full-time/school part-time

Which best describes your current living situation?

Live alone

Live with my parents or other relatives

Live with boyfriend/girlfriend

Live with roommates

Do you consider yourself religious? (RECRUIT ONE OR TWO WHO SAY YES)

Which best describes your current romantic situation?

Getting married in the coming year IF YES, TERMINATE

In a serious relationship

Not involved in a relationship but actively looking

Not involved in a relationship and not actively looking

Thank you for your cooperation.

I would like to invite you to attend a discussion designed to explore what you think about relationships between single men and women today. This discussion is part of a research project conducted through a major university. We will be making videotapes of the discussion for analysis by researchers, but your name and your comments will be kept confidential. We will pay an honorarium of $50 for your time and participation. Will you be able to join us?

RECRUIT ______ WOMEN for FIRST SESSION.

RECRUIT _______ MEN FOR SECOND SESSION.

(REMEMBER TO RECRUIT SEPARATE ALL-FEMALE AND ALL-MALE GROUPS)

For women: The discussion will be held at ___________ at _____ p. m. Please arrive at _____p.m. to check in.

For men: The discussion will be held at____________at______p.m. Please arrive at ______p.m. to check in.

OTHER INSTRUCTIONS ON DIRECTIONS/PHONE FOLLOW-UP AS RECOMMENDED BY TECHNICAL ANALYSIS.

Do you have children?

Do you attend school?

Do you work outside the home?

2. Self-Administered Questionnaire

First Name:

Age:

Circle one that describes you:

Education

Did not complete High School

High School diploma/GED

Some College

Associates Degree

Other

Work

Employed full-time

Employed part-time

Unemployed/Looking for work

Unemployed/Not looking for work

Job Title or Description: (fill in blank)

Current Schooling:

Attend school full-time

Attend school part-time

Do not attend school

Current Living Situation:

Live alone

Live with parents

Live with relatives

Live with boyfriend/girlfriend

Live with roommates

In the past five years, I have had the following living situations: (circle all that apply)

Live alone

Live with parents

Live with relatives

Live with boyfriend/girlfriend

Live with roommates

Circle the statement that best describes your family living arrangement when you were about 15 years old:

I lived with both my married biological parents

I lived with my mother but saw my father regularly

I lived with my father but saw my mother regularly

I lived with grandparents or other relatives

I lived with one parent and a stepparent

I lived with my mother and my father was not part of my life

I lived with my father and my mother was not part of my life

Other

I consider myself a religious person Yes No

I attend worship services at least monthly Yes No

What religion are you (please be specific)?

Economically, I would describe my current circumstances as:

Getting ahead

Getting by

Falling behind

In the past five years, I have: (circle all that apply)

Changed jobs

Been laid off or downsized

Been unemployed

To improve my economic situation in the next five years, I hope to: (circle all that apply)

Get a promotion

Get a better paying job

Get married

Get a loan from my parents

Make regular deposits in savings

Invest in stocks, bonds, real estate

From time to time, I engage in the following activities (circle all that apply):

Buy lottery tickets

Gamble at a casino

Buy and sell stocks

Place a personal ad

Subscribe to a dating service

Check on my horoscope

Consult a psychic

My favorite radio program is:

My favorite television show is:

For the following statement, circle the view closest to your own:"I believe that it is wrong to have a child outside of marriage."

Strongly agree

Somewhat agree

Somewhat disagree

Strongly disagree

For the following statement, circle the view closest to your own:"When I get married, I am confident that the marriage will last a lifetime."

Strongly agree

Somewhat agree

Somewhat disagree

Strongly disagree

(For Women only) For the following statement, circle the view closest to your own:"Although it might not be the ideal option, I would consider having a child on my own if I reached my mid-thirties and I had not found the right man to marry."

Strongly agree

Somewhat agree

Somewhat disagree

Strongly disagree

On a scale of 1 to 5, with 1 the lowest and 5 the highest, rate each of the following life goals on importance to you personally:

Getting married

Having children

Achieving economic independence

Helping people who are less fortunate

Owning a home in a nice neighborhood

Developing a close personal relationship with God

Getting more education

Finding personal happiness

Having new experiences

Being part of a closely-knit family

Achieving spiritual peace

Maintaining health and fitness

THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND COOPERATION

3. Study Guide

Moderator’s opening comments:

The purpose of this discussion is to explore your attitudes and opinions about male/female relationships in the 1990s, including marriage. I am here to moderate the discussion but I am not the teacher. There are no right or wrong answers. You are the experts. I’m interested in understanding how you think about these matters.

Ground rules:

This is a research project. Members of our research team are observing this conversation from behind this window. We are also videotaping this discussion. These materials will be used for research purposes only. Your names will not be used in any published document without your express written consent. Your names will not be given or sold to anyone. You will not be asked to buy anything. Any questions?

Introductions:

Let’s go around the table and introduce ourselves. Tell us your first name, what kind of work you do or what you are studying in school, and one goal you hope to accomplish in the next few years.

Thinking about Marriage and Divorce Trends

I want to begin by getting your thoughts on some of the important trends in marriage today.

How many of you think you will be married sometime in your life? Ask for show of hands

How many of you think it is likely that you will stay married to the same person for your entire life? Why? Why not?

Today, roughly 4 out of 10 first marriages will end in divorce. Why do you think marriages fail today?

Thinking About Cohabitation vs. Marriage

Over half of all people today live together before marriage. So let’s talk about living together.

A Hypothetical Case to Explore Reasoning on the decision to live together (For Women). Slightly different hypothetical used for the men’s group

Let’s imagine that I am a good friend who is coming to you for advice. We haven’t been in touch for awhile, but I’m considering living with my boyfriend. I want you to help me think through the decision.

Here are some facts: I am in my late twenties and thinking seriously about getting married to my boyfriend. We’ve been going out for a year. I’m in love with him. He is not yet ready to commit but I am hoping that he will get more committed to marriage if we live together first. Plus, I can find out more about him and his habits. We can also save on living expenses.

Do you want any more information about my situation?

Okay. Now that you’ve gotten a good picture of the nature of our relationship and the reasons why I am considering living together, do you think I should move in with him? Tell me why or why not.

What do you see as the pros and cons of living together. What would say were the pros? The cons? Generate a list.

What do you see as the pros and cons of marriage. Generate a list. Discuss differences between two lists.

Thinking about your economic expectations and marriage

In the 1950s, people got married very young, often in their late teens. Today, people are postponing marriage until they are in their mid or late twenties. Why are people putting it off? (Probe for economic reasons)

When you get married, how much do you think you and your spouse would need to earn to have a standard of living that is acceptable to you?

Now let’s add a child to your family. How much do you think you and your spouse would have to earn in this circumstance?

Let’s say you and your spouse both work and contribute to the family’s income for the first six years after you are married. You have a fifty-fifty marriage as far as earning money goes. Then you have a child.

What are your expectations for combining work and children?

How much should each of you contribute to the family’s income after the child?

How much should each of you contribute to raising the child and doing housework?

Do you think that married couples should pool all their income? Why or why not?

Here are two statements I want to read to you.

The biggest problem facing people in their twenties today is getting financially ahead and achieving economic independence.

The biggest problem facing people in their twenties today is finding and keeping a loving partner.

Which statement would you choose to describe your views? Explain your choice.

Thinking about your generation and current relationships between men and women

About a week ago, the Wall Street Journal had an article on people in their twenties and their relationships with the opposite sex.

Let me read one passage from that article:

"Women like men now put career first. And they are determined that marriage be one of economic equals. "I would never, ever, want to depend on someone," [one young woman profiled in the article] vowed.

Do you think that is an accurate description of the views of your generation?

Here’s another comment from the article:

"In the 1950s, the question was whether to kiss on the first date. Now it’s whether to have sex on the first date. Today’s young adults combine physical intimacy with emotional distance."

Does this describe your generation? Sex first, commitment last? Why do you think young adults today are trying to stay "emotionally distant?"

Thinking about marriage today

What makes a good marriage? Generate list.

When you think of people you know – friends or family members, would you say people are more able or less able today to have good marriages? Why?

4. Characteristics of Male and Female Participants

CHARACTERISTICS OF WOMEN

Age: Seven between ages 20-25; 5 between ages 26-30

Ethnicity: Two African-American; 10 white

Education: Five had completed high school; five had some college; two responded "other"

Current schooling: Two attending school full-time; two part-time

Employment: Nine work full-time; one part-time; one unemployed

Income: Five in the $10-20,000 range; 6 in the $21-30,000 range; one in $30-35,000

Current living situation: Eight living with parents; three live alone; one lives with boyfriend

Living situation at age 15: Eight women said they lived with both married parents; 2 with parent and stepparent; 1 with mother but saw father regularly; one noted "father deceased"

Religiosity: Seven said they considered themselves "religious," four said "no," one did not respond. Three had been to services in the past month.

Religious affiliation: Five were Catholic; 2 Protestant; 1 Jewish; 1 Christian; 1 Orthodox; 1 Jewish/Catholic; 1 didn’t respond

Current romantic situation: Seven of the women said they were in serious relationships; 3 said they were not involved but actively looking

CHARACTERISTICS OF MEN

Age: Six were in 20-25 range; six in 26-30

Ethnicity: Two African-American; 3 nonwhite Hispanic; 6 white; and 1 Hispanic/Caucasian

Education: One had not completed high school; 3 had completed high school; 4 had "some college;" 2 had associates degrees; and 2 noted "other."

Current schooling: 2 attended full-time

Employment: Eight employed full-time; 2 part-time; 2 unemployed

Income: Five in the income range $10-20,000; five in $21-30,000; two in $31-35,000

Living situation: Seven lived with parents; 4 lived alone; 1 with a girlfriend

Living situation at age 15: Seven lived with married parents; 2 with mothers and no contact with fathers; 1 with mother and regular contact with father; 1 noted "father deceased" and 1 noted "parents divorced" under "other."

Religiosity: Six said they were religious; six said "no." Three had been to services in the past month.

Religious affiliation: Six were Catholic; one Protestant; one Baptist; one Christian; one "own," two did not respond.

Current romantic situation: Seven of the men said they were in serious relationships and 5 said they were not involved but actively looking.