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SEX WITHOUT STRINGS, RELATIONSHIPS WITHOUT RINGS

Today’s Young Singles Talk About Mating and Dating

Key Findings

The young men and women in this study expect their future marriages to last a lifetime and to fulfill their deepest emotional and spiritual needs. Yet they are involved in a mating culture that may make it more difficult to achieve this lofty goal. Today’s singles mating culture is not oriented to marriage, as the mating culture was in the past. Instead, based on the reports of these singles, it is best described as a low-commitment culture of "sex without strings, relationship without rings."

The women participants are more pessimistic than the men about their chances of finding a suitable marriage mate. Women in their late twenties are more pessimistic about men and their chances for marriage than women in their early twenties.

Both women and men favor living together as a way of gathering vital information about a partner’s character, fidelity and compatibility. However, the women in this study are more wary of low-commitment cohabiting relationships than the men.

About half of the women in this study say that they consider unwed motherhood an "option," if they are unable to find the right man to marry.

Although the empirical evidence suggests that marriage creates important economic benefits, especially for less well-educated young adults, these noncollege men and women see marriage as a form of economic exposure and risk, largely due to the prevalence of divorce.

Although highly critical of divorce, these young adults are pessimistic about the likelihood of changes in the law or the culture. They look to education as the principal means for increasing their chances of marital success. They would like to learn how to communicate more effectively and how to resolve conflict in relationships.

The Neglected Noncollege Majority

About a year ago, as part of its Next Generation Program, the National Marriage Project began a study of mating and dating among not-yet-married heterosexual men and women in their twenties. Surprisingly, given the popular interest in young singles and their love lives, there has been little recent research on this topic. Except for studies of cohabitation and dating violence, social science research has generally neglected investigations of contemporary patterns of mating and mate selection among today’s young singles.

Moreover, what we do know about the not-yet-married young tends to come from studies of college students and four-year college graduates. Almost entirely overlooked in the research are noncollege singles in their twenties. Yet noncollege men and women (those who do not currently attend or hold degrees from four-year colleges) represent a clear majority of young adults in their twenties, and their mating choices will play a crucial role in determining future trends in cohabitation, marriage and divorce. Also, noncollege men and women represent a population that, in the past, has relied on marriage as a way of getting ahead economically. So the mating and marrying behavior of today’s noncollege young adults is likely to have important future economic consequences as well.

To begin to address this research deficit, we set out to conduct a small qualitative study of noncollege young adults in their twenties, as a first step toward a larger and statistically representative survey. Our purpose was to gather descriptions of the contemporary dating scene from noncollege men and women and to explore the reasoning behind their views on mate selection, cohabitation and future marriage. We convened ten focus groups of not-yet-married heterosexual men and women, ages of 21 through 29, in five major metropolitan areas: Northern New Jersey, Atlanta, Dallas, Chicago, and Los Angeles. In each area, we divided men and women into separate groups. Participants came from a variety of religious and ethnic backgrounds, generally representative of their geographic area.

Most of the men and women in this study have some education beyond high school but do not currently attend four-year colleges or hold four-year college degrees. Most are working full-time in service, sales and technical jobs. The men and the women have similar incomes, with most falling into the $10-30,000 range. None has ever married. Except for one young man, no participant reports ever having had a child.

This report highlights several key findings in this study. These findings are impressionistic and should not be taken as a statistically representative description of attitudes among the population of noncollege young adults. However, what we learned from this initial study may offer valuable leads for further research into mating and dating patterns among this important but neglected group.

High Aspirations, Low Expectations for Successful Marriage

The young men and women in this study aspire to marriage and expect their marriages to last a lifetime. Even in the face of the combined impact of the divorce revolution, sex revolution, and the feminist revolution, they express their deep desire for a happy and lasting marriage. Nor have these young people cynically rejected the ideal of love and friendship in marriage. If anything, they’ve raised this standard to a higher level. Young men and women today want to marry a best friend and "soul mate" who will share and understand their most intimate feelings, needs and desires.

However, despite the strongly held aspiration for marriage and the ideal of a lifelong soul mate, young people, and especially young women, are not confident that they will achieve this goal. Their lack of confidence may be justified. The evidence gathered in this study suggests that the singles mating culture may pose obstacles to reaching the goal of soul-mate marriage.

Getting Ahead Before Getting Wed

These twentysomething noncollege men and women are not single-mindedly bent on looking for someone to marry. (See "Social Indicators: Marriage.") They are working to get ahead on their own. For many, this is not easy. Most of the men and women in this study describe their economic status as "getting by." In order to get ahead, they have to pay off debts, get more education or find a better job.

Putting financial independence ahead of marriage is not new for young men. Traditionally, men have had to prove to themselves and to others that they were able to make a living, or at least had the education or training to make a good living, before they could take on the responsibilities of supporting a family.

For women, however, and especially for less well-educated women, the goal of achieving individual financial and residential independence before marriage is relatively new. In this study, we found that women are just as committed as men to making it on their own and getting a place of their own before marriage. Indeed, compared to their male peers, these noncollege women are even more fiercely determined "to take care of myself." They cite the high rate of divorce, their past experience of failed relationships, and their desire to avoid the same mistakes their mothers made, as reasons why they are intent on independence. For African-American women, the determination to "do for yourself" is especially strong. As one young African-American woman put it: "We have to take care of ourselves, we have to go back to college, we have to do what we have to do, because our men are strung out on drugs, they’re not finishing college, so we are stepping up and taking the initiative."

Moreover, these single women say, they are taking their cues from single men who "expect us to take care of ourselves." "Women fought for the right to work, so now men expect you to work," one woman remarks. And that view is borne out by the men in this study. One of the most frequently cited qualities men say they seek in a girlfriend is "independence."

Where Did Love Go?

The mating culture for today’s twentysomethings is not oriented to marriage, as it has been in times past, nor is it dedicated to romantic love. Based on the reports of these noncollege singles, it is perhaps best described as a culture of sex without strings and relationships without rings.

The men and women in these focus groups rarely volunteer the word "love" or use the phrase "falling in love." Instead of "love," they talk about "sex" and "relationships." This double language reflects the two separate spheres of unwed coupling.

Sex is for fun. It is one of the taken-for-granted freedoms and pleasures of being young and single. Both men and women regard casual sex as an expected part of the dating scene. Only a few take a moralistic stand against it. Both men and women also agree that casual sex is no-strings-attached sex. It requires no commitments beyond the sexual encounter itself, no ethical obligation beyond mutual consent. When men and women hook up for sex, they say, it’s assumed that one’s partner is likely to lie about

past sexual history. Accordingly, the conventional wisdom is: "Trust no one." Indeed, these men and women see lying, cheating, and dumping as unremarkable behavior in casual sexual hookups.

Compared to casual sex, relationships require greater investments of time and effort. If you are "in a relationship," say these young adults, you are expected to spend time together and to go out as a couple. You have to know what pleases your partner, do "the little things," and act with concern for his or her interests. For example, a young man "in a relationship" says his girlfriend shows she cares for him "financially and emotionally" when she suggests a candlelight dinner at home rather than an expensive dinner out. Being "in a relationship" also requires higher ethical standards than casual sex. Trust, honesty and sexual fidelity are expected. If you depart from these standards, these young people say, you jeopardize the relationship.

He Lies, She Lies: The Rules of Sexual Engagement

For the young singles in this study, sex isn’t entirely carefree. The threat of HIV/AIDS looms large over the dating scene. Everyone is scared of AIDS. However, although both men and women fear AIDS, they do not take equal responsibility for protecting against it. These young women say that they are the ones who must take the initiative and responsibility for "protection." If we don’t insist, they say, the guys won’t voluntarily use a condom. The men seem to agree that the responsibility for "protection" belongs to women. Moreover, although both men and women "talk the talk" about using condoms, at least a few admitted that this might be less than accurate description of their real behavior. "You know none of us follow these rules," one young man says, after listening to other men’s testimonies of regular condom use. A woman in another group acknowledges: "When you’re drunk, you’ll let him do anything."

These working singles say they are most likely to go to clubs to socialize with similar-aged peers. However, both men and women see the club scene as a place for drinking, fun and casual sexual hookups rather than for finding a serious love interest. Men especially say they go to clubs for easy sex and when they get it, they have no more responsibility to the woman. As one young man explains: "You’ve already had your fun." The men have contempt for the women they meet at a club. "You don’t go to a club to find a wife," one young man says. Another puts it bluntly: "Club girls are trash." Women have similarly low opinions of the club scene and the men they find there. The men lie, they say, and they’re only looking for sex.

In seeking a relationship, these young men and women say, you should look for a partner through church, friends or school. Work sometimes offers opportunities for finding a mate, but both men and women express reservations about workplace relationships. "If you have a fight," one participant says, "you still have to see each other the next day."

Getting into a relationship usually means postponing sex until you get to know each other, according to both men and women in this study. As one young man explains: "When I met the woman I thought I would spend the rest of my life with, we didn’t have sex for a month and a half . . . we went out to dinner the movies, clubs – all the stuff a guy is supposed to do, pamper the woman and all that. I wanted to find out about her."

However, according to some of the men, sex isn’t put off for very long. They say that sex on the third date (or after a couple of weeks of meeting) is typical for a more serious relationship. "If you wait too long," says one, "they think you’re not interested."

A relationship also differs from a sexual hookup in the accepted standards for "using protection." A relationship carries the expectation, or at least the hope, of mutual sexual fidelity. Therefore, before getting seriously involved, these young adults say, a couple gets tested for HIV/AIDS. One woman says she knew her boyfriend was interested in a serious relationship when he spontaneously called up the testing laboratory and handed her the phone to hear his test results. Once a couple can prove to each other that they have recently tested negative, they can be less vigilant about using condoms. "Once we’re tested, I can go bareback," one young man says.

Getting to Know You: Cohabitation, or the "24/7" Relationship

Another popular form of "being in a relationship" is cohabitation. Indeed, cohabitation is replacing marriage as the first living together union for today’s young adults. (See "Social Indicators: Unmarried Cohabitation.") Moreover, surveys indicate, a majority of young people think it is a good idea to live together before marriage. The participants in our study fit this profile. Slightly less than half of the men and women in this study are currently cohabiting or have cohabited in the past. No one expresses blanket disapproval of cohabitation, and most of our participants see it in a favorable light. Indeed, almost all the men agree with the view that you should not marry a woman until you have lived with her first.

The men and women in this study offer several reasons for cohabiting relationships. First, they hope to find out more about the habits, character, and fidelity of a partner. These young men and women reject traditional courtship as a way of finding out about a person’s character. They see dating as a "game," full of artifice and role-playing, while living together is more natural, honest and revealing. Accordingly, they believe that the only way to truly know your partner is to see him or her "24/7," that is, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. "If his head is on your pillow,"says one woman, "you know he’s being faithful."

Second, they want to test compatibility, possibly for future marriage. Young adults view marriage principally as an emotional and spiritual union, and this vision of marriage has set new standards of fitness for marriage. A prospective marriage partner’s fitness used to be evaluated, at least in part, by certain objective characteristics and behavior, such as having a good reputation in the community or going to church every Sunday. Today, the measure of marital fitness is far more subjective and individualistic. A couple must connect at a deep emotional and spiritual level, and each person’s emotional needs are as unique as a fingerprint. This more subjective and individualistic standard puts the propensity to cohabit in a broader context. Since a relationship, and especially, marriage is idealized as a soul-mate union, then, the reasoning goes, there must be extensive round-the-clock testing to evaluate the emotional fitness and capacities of a mate for this special kind of intimate friendship.

According to these men and women, cohabitation also allows more careful scrutiny of a domestic partner over time. Many of these young men and women believe that a partner cannot be trusted to stay the same. "I know people who’ve gotten married and they didn’t know what that person was like when you woke up in the morning, " says one young man. "You can think you know someone but there’s a lot of stuff you find out when you live together," a young woman remarks.

Third, these young men and women say they live together as a way of avoiding the risks of divorce or being "trapped in an unhappy marriage." Here, they are very much influenced by their parents’ failed or unhappy marriages; as one young woman says, "my mother is on her third marriage. If she had lived with them before she married, then she would not have had so many divorces."

Other reasons for living together include losing a lease, saving money on rent, building a nest egg for the purchase of a house, working on personal "issues" before deciding to marry; and, in one person’s opinion, "having the last adventure." And for some, living together may simply provide a way to mark time, until another partner or a new adventure comes along.

However, despite their general approval of cohabitation, the women in this study are much more likely than the men to express reservations about living together as a way to nudge a less committed partner toward marriage. At least one woman expresses the view that cohabiting women should not have to deliver the ultimatum "marry me or move out" in order to exact a proposal of marriage. Most agree with the young woman who says "if you want to get married in the long run, you should wait until you get that ring if that is what you are going for." Also, women are more likely than men to be critical of a long-term, uncommitted cohabiting relationship. "It can go on indefinitely. A lot of people will say we’ll see how it goes and one year turns into five years and you see people on Ricki Lake with five kids and there’s still not commitment." A few women believe that men get lazy and over dependent in cohabiting partnerships. "Men get too comfortable letting their girlfriend take care of them," notes one. Another comments: "I worked two jobs, he didn’t work any." For all these reasons, women think that some cohabiting partnerships can be a "waste of time." Still, the women say that living together can be positive if you know what you want to get out of it.

A substantial number of these young women have already lived with and broken up with a cohabiting partner. Although most agree that breaking up is hard and often painful, they believe that it provides valuable life lessons. Living together is a learning experience, according to these young women. It helps you make a better choice for the future.

Optimistic Men, Pessimistic Women

Men and women enter their twenties with nearly identical goals. Their first priority is to achieve independence by getting a decent job and a place of their own. Like men, women in their early twenties are in no rush to marry. "People live a lot longer today," one woman explains as the reason for putting off marriage, while another adds: "People change a lot from 20 to 30." However, by the second half of their twenties, men’s and women’s timetables for marriage begin to diverge. Men are content to continue the pattern established in their early twenties. They are not yet ready to make commitments and to settle down. Many are still trying to establish themselves in decent jobs. And they are reluctant to give up the freedom of single life. At the same time, these men remain optimistic that they will be able to find the right woman when they are ready to marry.

On the other hand, single women approaching their late twenties become more serious about the search for a marriage partner. They’ve gained confidence in their capacity to "make it on their own," and they are ready to think about marriage. However, many say the "men aren’t there," they’re "not on the same page," or they’re less mature. The more they advance into their twenties, the more disenchanted these young women seem to become about the pool of prospective mates and the likelihood of finding a husband.

A marital readiness gap?

One possible reason for women’s pessimism is that they may be reaching a stage of readiness for marriage before their male peers. In this study, men and women are similarly matched in education, income and occupation as well as age. However, the women in these groups appear more "together" than the men – more confident, articulate, responsible and mature. They also exhibit a higher degree of goal-oriented job behavior. They have clear and generally realistic plans for moving up the career ladder. Many have plans to finish or extend schooling; for example, one young woman who works as a Licensed Practical Nurse is going back to school part-time to get her RN. Others are contemplating plans, or taking first steps, toward starting businesses in fields allied to their current job. (At the conclusion of one focus group, several women exchanged business cards.)

The men in this study, on the other hand, are less able to articulate clear goals. And, when articulated, their goals are often unserious, unfocused or unrealistic. For example, when asked what they hope to accomplish in the short-term, some men say their goals are "get out of bed in the morning," "own an island," "hit the lottery," or "train for the marathon."

Of course, there is nothing new in a male/female gap in readiness for marriage. As the age differences between a groom and bride at first marriage have narrowed to little more than two years and as peer marriage has become a social norm, there is often a noticeable disparity between a twentysomething woman’s level of maturity and that of her twentysomething mate. What may be new today for these noncollege men and women is not the "marital readiness gap" itself, but the incentives for men to marry when similar-aged women are ready. Today, as compared to earlier times, there are almost no pressures on young men in their twenties to get married in order to meet women’s desires, expectations, or timetable.

"The emotional baggage problem"

Another reason for women’s greater pessimism may be the experience of prolonged exposure to the singles mating culture. This mating culture is oriented to men’s appetites and interests, according to the young women in this study. Indeed, at least a few women observe that their sex lives are following a male script. "I’m turning into a man in some respects," one woman says. "I can go out there and dog them the way they do to me." More commonly, noncollege women complain bitterly about a harsh new double standard: men expect them to be submissive and strong, faithful and independent, while "he’s doing what he wants to do." Perhaps because of the prevalence of casual sex, the women in this study have a low opinion of men’s fidelity and trustworthiness. Moreover, they say, although men expect them to be independent, the men are hardly exemplars of independence themselves. They are often unfocused, unmotivated, and still live at home "with Mom." Overall, noncollege men are most likely of all young men and women in their twenties to live with parents.

A prolonged period of sexually active singlehood also exposes young women to the risks of multiple failed relationships and breakups. Because most young people have first sexual intercourse at younger ages than in the past, they are increasingly unlikely to marry, or even enter a long-term relationship, with their first sexual partner. This often means multiple sexual relationships and breakups before entry into marriage. The prevalence of cohabitation compounds the risks of breakup, since, by recent estimates, only about one-sixth of cohabiting relationships last three years, and only one-tenth last five years or more.

Since breaking up is a painful and distressing experience for young lovers, it is desirable for such breakups to be relatively few and far between in the course of seeking a mate. However, today, a young single woman may experience several breakups during her late teens and twenties, and these breakups seem to have a cumulative negative impact on subsequent relationships. The women in this study say they feel burned, angry, betrayed when they are dumped. They say they are more mistrustful of the next guy who comes along. Moreover, the experience of multiple breakups can lead to a global mistrust and antagonism toward men. Women say they become more suspicious and wary of all men over time. And finally, for some women, mistrust of men has to do with the example set by their mothers. As one woman explains: "I’ve lived with my mother bouncing from man to man to man, living with all the guys she’s with . . . I’m having a terrible time with trusting . . . "

Young women become more pessimistic about men and their chances for marriage as they advance through their twenties. For this reason, some say they are willing to contemplate forming a family without a husband if they reach their thirties and are unable to find a suitable mate. The young noncollege women in this study, and increasingly all younger women today, see single motherhood as a distinct possibility and socially acceptable "option," though not ideal. These single women, and some of the men as well, point to women family members who have raised children "on their own" as evidence that it is something that others do, and therefore, that can be done.

According to the young men in this study, a single mother with a child is a "big turnoff" and likely to be rejected as a potential marriage partner. Therefore, single motherhood may further diminish the chances for finding a husband.

Soul-Mate Marriages vs. Being Married

Despite doubts and difficulties, young men and women have not given up on the ideal of finding a soul mate to marry. On the contrary, they are dedicated to the goal of finding a lifelong best friend and kindred spirit. However, their ideals of soul-mate marriage contrast sharply with personal experience - as well as the popular culture’s portrait – of married people. Both media images and real-life models of marriage tend to be more negative than positive. Many in this study have grown up with unhappily married or divorced parents. They know exactly what a bad marriage is, but they are less sure of what a good marriage looks like. Some can only describe a good marriage as "the opposite of my parents." Moreover, a number of study participants say they receive no advice or mainly negative advice about marriage from their parents and relatives.

In addition, although young men and women idealize marriage, they see the experience of being married as hard and difficult. "Marriage is a full-time job. Period. It’s work," says a young man. For many participants in this study, the idea of married life as hard work suffers in comparison to the idea of the single life as freedom and fun. Young men, especially, see their twenties as a time to "drink, go to school, have fun, buy things." Thus, soul-mate marriage and "marriage as hard work" coexist in the minds of some of these study participants. Though very different, both conceptions of marriage are daunting. Perhaps this is one reason why these young men in their twenties are happy to stay single for a time.

Haunted by Fears of Divorce

The noncollege men and women in this study are deeply influenced by the experience of growing up in a high divorce society. (See "Social Indicators: Divorce.") As noted previously, they cite the risk of divorce as a key reason for cohabiting before marriage or as an alternative to marriage.

Fear of divorce has also dramatically eroded their confidence in the permanence of marriage and thus of marriage’s value as an economic stepping stone. Although study after study demonstrates the economic benefits of marriage, especially for the less well-educated, these noncollege men and women generally reject the idea that marriage is a principal way to get ahead economically. On the contrary, they tend to see marriage as exposing them to economic risk and possibly jeopardizing their hard won individual independence.

The men say that marriage puts them at risk because a wife can divorce at will and "take you for all you’ve got." The women are even more likely than the men to see marriage as economically risky. Some say that any woman who trusts in a man and marriage for economic security is a fool, given the high rate of divorce and the evidence of many women’s economic freefall after divorce.

Possibly because young adults enter marriage later, often with some individual financial assets, both the men and women in the study are more fearful of the economic consequences of post-divorce property settlements than they are of no-fault grounds that make divorce so easy. Indeed, these noncollege young adults do not favor changing the no-fault divorce laws, nor do they believe that parents who do not "get along" should stay together for the sake of the children. Their tolerance of divorce involving children seems contradictory at first, given many of these young adults’ childhood experience of divorce and their determination to avoid it in their future lives. However, the belief that parents who don’t get along should divorce is consistent with their idea of marriage as an intensely emotional relationship between a man and a woman. Most do not see marriage as an institution designed to hold a mother and father together in a family household. (See "Social Indicators: Loss of Child-Centeredness.")

Will Today’s Twentysomethings "Save" Marriage?

Some social commentators believe that today’s young adults will reject divorce, nonmarital childbearing and other trends that contribute to the weakening of marriage. They point out that a culture shift may be occurring among the young, in reaction to high levels of family instability. On the other hand, most social demographers predict a continuation of the current trends. They argue that these trends are persistent and pervasive across advanced western societies and therefore unlikely to change. Who’s right?

Since today’s young adults are putting off entry into marriage until later ages, it is obviously too soon to tell. As our study of noncollege twentysomethings suggests, some evidence indicates a deepening of the current marriage-weakening trends. A longer period of singlehood before marriage, combined with a youthful mating culture oriented to sex and low-commitment relationships, may make it more difficult for young men and women to find suitable marriage mates. Women’s growing pessimism about men and marriage, combined with their increasing willingness to contemplate single motherhood as an acceptable option to marriage, may lead more young women to choose single motherhood if they cannot find a suitable husband. High levels of cohabitation and acceptance of cohabitation among young adults are also likely to contribute to the further weakening and deinstitutionalization of marriage. And many young men and women, including those in this study, exhibit a more individualistic orientation to future marriage, with an emphasis on self-investment and protecting oneself against relationship failure. This "hedge-your-bets" approach to marriage may weaken the sense of mutual dedication and commitment that is an important component of successful marriage.

However, there are some hopeful signs. The trend toward later age at first marriage may contribute to lower levels of divorce in the future. Also, young adults’ persistent aspiration for marriage and their desire to avoid divorce may lead to a greater commitment to address and repair problems in marriage before they become insurmountable. Many of the participants in our study say they favor marriage preparation and education as a way to prevent divorce as well as unhappy marriages. They say they would like to develop skills that might help them resolve problems that arise in marriage.

Such help is increasingly available. Churches in more than a hundred communities have joined together to establish a common set of premarital counseling standards and practices for engaged couples. Two states, Arizona and Louisiana, have passed covenant marriage laws, designed for couples who want the choice of entering marriages with stronger legal and counseling supports than are currently available in standard marriage. A few states - Oklahoma, Utah and Arkansas - are launching broad-based initiatives aimed at reducing the divorce and nonmarital birth rates. Florida has passed a law requiring marriage education for high school students. A number of schools across the country are integrating relationships and marriage skills education into sex education and family life curricula.

Changing the Mating Culture?

Yet, as our study suggests, it may prove difficult to strengthen marriage unless today’s mating culture can somehow be changed. There obviously is a large gap between the aspiration for successful marriage and the pathways available for getting there. Are there ways to encourage a mating culture more oriented to successful mate selection? Is it possible to move today’s mating culture away from breakup and failure and toward commitment and marriage?

Clearly, this is not a task that lends itself to social engineering. Any positive shift in contemporary patterns of mating and dating is likely to come about as the result of broad-based changes in cultural attitudes about sexual behavior and marriage. At the same time, such changes are possible. Unlike technological change, cultural shifts are more open to modification by concerted social movements, as we have seen in areas of race, women’s roles, gay rights, and environmental issues over recent decades. Characteristically, attitudinal changes in these areas began among a small, dedicated and often radical counterculture and then spread to the mainstream in more moderate and diffuse forms.

Our study suggests two possible avenues for positive change of the mating culture. One is broad-based public education about the factors that may hinder mating success. The noncollege young in this study are ignorant or misinformed about the likely effects of some common contemporary mating practices. For example, they believe that living together before marriage increases the chances for having a happy marriage, although no evidence exists to support this belief, and some evidence suggests that cohabiting before marriage increases the likelihood of divorce. Some believe that multiple failed cohabiting relationships lead to better future mate selection, though no evidence exists to support this idea. Others believe that the way to avoid divorce is to seek relationships having only limited commitment.

A second and potentially more important avenue for changing the mating culture rests with parents. Contrary to the popular notion that the media is chiefly responsible for young people’s attitudes about mating and marriage, available evidence strongly suggests that young people get many of their ideas and models of marriage from parents and the parental generation. The noncollege men and women in our study consistently mentioned family influences as the source of both hopes and fears about future marriage. Yet, according to the participants in our study, many parents have had almost nothing good to say about marriage, and often say nothing at all. Much of this negativism may be due to the parental generation’s own marital problems and failures.

Whatever their personal disappointments, parents do have a huge stake, both economic and emotional, in the success of their children’s future marriages. Very few parents look forward to their adult child’s first divorce, or eagerly await a grandchild’s first custody hearing. If mothers and fathers, as well as grandparents, realized how much their attitudes mattered, they might take it upon themselves to begin talking to children early on about what to look for in a marriage mate and what it takes to have a good marriage. At minimum, parents might consider investing as much time and attention to helping their children think wisely about marriage as they now devote to helping their children think carefully about education and career.

© Copyright The National Marriage Project, 2000